A Poet Fights in Frozen Times

"I wish I hadn't been on ice for twenty years"
She says, with a superficial smile
And proclaiming with few words "I thought I did good"

When there are words
In a cabinet, letters of how the moon was close like a friend-  this was before Facebook or twitter or whatever... I vowed to take your place in the war but only because I thought you'd stop yourself from going - And I'd be able to say: "oh, he is my brother... he cares for me, I care for him" but I now see your intentions weren't my intentions just anything but interventions.

I wrote to you, with eyes closed, I wrote to you because I knew I didn't need to see to know how much I love you. You said "Go, you said go and don't look back" And oh, what a sister you were. What a friend!

My cabinet is filled with letters, with words. And mostly covered in coffee stains and in dirt
You in the heat, with your sweat dripping on this paper I read, and I get it. Yes I get it, filled with memories I have yet to live
You love I see you love
You need and like all else that caries life -I need
We're all in need

And so yes you're frozen
And I too perhaps am frozen with guilt
Frozen with fear
That I have yet to thaw all my emotions
Write them - no dammit no! Not on a paper... Nobody does that anymore
Poets write on machines these days
She says "when will the time come again? When will you sit and write a letter to me?" Yes I chose to fight the war! Yes I chose to live my life in storybooks
In someone's head
But I still need you. Like you- I still need you!

So maybe the time will never come
When you will sit again and write a letter
You are perhaps dead even
Dead like the sea, yes the Dead Sea
Dead while I wonder
How I became me

You are still frozen, like me frozen
And I can't even begin to bring you to life
Because my sister you are somewhere in my head
My brother you are real...
But maybe frozen still like me

We came from the same womb.
How different can I be from you?
How different, tell me!?

I wish I could write like you did. And although I don't wish the war on you like you wished it on you.... I love you.
What petty those three words can be
I love you
However you may be, I love you.

A Story Out Of Me

The bomb blew pieces of my heart
I see the slivers of it lying by your feet
And you believe you have done nothing
I too believe you have
You have taken some poison
For me
You have taken those knives you call hands
And made a story out of me
Out of my heart
And now it aches
And more it aches
And so it aches

The bomb called love
Has also left me without legs
Left me without
You, without hands
And it's made the ounce [of heart] that's left
That's in my body cry
You've made a story out of me
And now it aches
What's left, it aches

I don't feel pain
Ok that is a lie
I lie for you
I lie to have you lie to me
And tell me
Please tell me
Dear
Dear heart I need you
Dear heart I miss you
- But I have only this one ounce to give
To give
To give to you.

It must feel good
Feel so damned good
I've left you
All alone with-
All alone to smile that smile
And alone to laugh those laughters
And you have tears
That tear ME
That tore me

My heart is light- what happens when an ounce of something is left of a pound?

A story is left.

A fucking story!

I Was This Close

I was this close to forgetting you
This close to letting you go
And because I once held you
I knew what "being held" was
and really, I know

I was this close
The heat of your breath
had left me
And now I feel you
Like the trees outside
These shadows on my bedroom door
So close to forgetting I was
I know

Our world is full of shadows
They are everywhere
Even below my bed since
I woke with fear
I screamed and that is why I'm here
These fucking shadows
I know

I was so close to leaving
Maybe too close
Oh shadow, oh cold shadows
Why'd you make food out of me-
Why'd you bring this wretched question to me-  to my knees
To my clasped hands
I look, I see, I was this close
I know

He Said That To Me

When the blues came in and held me
I knew I had lost my mind
It's true because
I was (almost religiously) taken
by my swollen arms
And thrown into a puddle of mud

A day ago
I had been obsessed
With my sad face, my drowning spirit
Had taken all my hurt and made my
Fears disappear and reappear with a clown suit -
and no clowns are welcomed here!
He said that to me.
He said I should leave!
He said I don't deserve him!

And I cried. And saw my tears disappear like magic.
And the stone melted my ice cream
I longed to scream
and I longed to touch him
Myself
Me
I long to touch myself too
Like that mud that ran down my face
I am magic he said
So disappear he said

I said
For fuckin' god sakes
GROW UP!
And he said goodbye
And that's the last time I felt pain
The last time I felt invisible
And now I'm known for my courage and known for my brains
My brain is happy
Like it was never before
And I learned to tell jokes
I learned how to say 'Goodbye'
Goodbye too.

Goodbye!

No Longer Lost In You

We are no longer tied
by invisible strings
I am no longer an item
on your wish list
and I am no longer inspired
to be your muse...

I am no longer this pretty thing
that hits you
that bites you
that loves you, like that
the way you want or wanted me
was like putting a pole in between us
And our reaching arms would almost touch
Our finger tips touched
sometimes

We are no longer tired of each other
or angry for some petty thing
or happy to eat ice cream while
watching figures move on your tv screen
We are no longer kissing in showers
Or whatever lovers do
After storms pass

How winter makes lonely people lonelier
have you forgotten because I have
I have forgotten
I am no longer inspired
or no longer wish to hold you close
I am no longer your muse

And when I see you walking by with empty hands
I no longer want to feel them or fill them up with me
because I am no longer lost in you.

No longer your muse. 

I love you Man

I surely miss you man
Like I miss the aroma of coffee
In the middle of an afternoon
And the woods too
And the strange smell coming from you
Has moved further from me
And I feel like I have to go
Like you left

And then I remember you
So beautifully set like a perfect
Dream. Waking up hurts sometimes.
It's not easy. It's not easy.
Not easy man

So when there is no trust
In time, the world feels sad
It feels sad sometimes
To even wonder about you
I hear your music, sweet melody
That sometimes in my waking moments
Lulls me to sleep, even standing here
Man, it's sad

I don't want to wake sometimes.
I want to sleep but it's not luxury
And I want luxury
The Past is sometimes weakening to the soul
I see that man
And it's sucks. It's like a vacuum
It sucks all the life out of me and maybe I would rather face the truth
The fact that I still love you should mean that it's ok to say goodbye man.

So in my prayer here i say
It's ok. You. It's ok
How unpoetic this story is
Something that started so epic
Has boiled down to a film
Without a Hollywood ending.

I love you man.

Fresh Flowers

When I woke
To a pair of hands around my heart
Squeezed me it did
With a strong grip and
I knew that if I wanted to fall
Wanted to strip its arms from my
Heart, I'd have to want it badly enough

I woke with my eyes
Covered with mud I realized
That my thoughts had covered me
My thoughts
My damned thoughts have made
mud out of me again

And I woke up again
With my toes nailed to the wall
And I became flat
Like all the paint that had lived on my walls
My fucking walls were layered
With cat hair and dirt
Layered with yester years and today
My little friend has poured wine, red wine onto me
And I've become aware of how tragic it is
To lack love and luster
To lack a vision

I woke
Like in the midnight hours in a cemetery filled with fresh flowers
(Amidst thoughtful sorrows)
And I took the pin from my pocket
And I began making hearts on the tombstone and left the stars to the sky
And I knew that if I didn't want to lie
There
If I wanted to live
I had to try
I had to do what I was meant to do
Wake up!