Monday, January 30, 2012

A Wishful Heart and Courage

She buried all the love (hellos and goodbyes)
under a tree which wishes to grow-
understanding moments
"to come and go and go to come again''

She goes and sits on berries
melting it's essence into dust
what was, is now
what is, no more

No more songs-
Grandmother hadn't the courage
but to kill all her seeds in the burning sun
and that channel that once was running
oh, overflowing channel
has only dust and wishful rain -

Dead old skin
began building mountains on the land 
land that once had hope and land 
that once had love

And while she begs for food
in places where famine lies
"food hiding"
in deeper grounds that lie
(empty wishes too)
I remember now, mother
complaining to me
even now, complaining
that she was given
rough, dark, deep and empty airs but love
no love

There is Grandma with her white hair and her
invisible glass, glass that stood erect
all these years supporting her from falling into channels
channels that once ran clean and pure waters
What reigns there now is
dust and wishful rain
Oh, wishful rain!

If only she had courage to fall
then maybe she'd learn how to love
how to receive the gift that mother-
that mother never had...

Grandma sang to other ears not hers
other ears had the glory of her voice
when she sang songs mother couldn't hear
She had been deaf to feelings too

We all know that
Soon she'll lie for good, grandma
without care and without wonder
lie like the days of flowing waters
not into the channel but long into the wind
and maybe rivers that flow deeper than my mama's longing

deeper than the longing I still wish for her

Soon dust will be the news on yesterday's
reports and today what wishful rain may fall
will be the rain that falls into tomorrow's channel

And until then:
Mama lies in the dust as she dreams of tomorrow
while grandma breaths the wishful rain
away, away, away, away from mama's wishful heart

I hope for courage to grow there.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

I Don't Like Myself

I don't like myself
When I cry too much in my work
or I play too much the innocent

I live in life knowing
I'm a grown woman
and sure when I'm taken by surprise I act in my
reprised role: a child with pig tails hangin' low
down to my toes, cryin' cryin' but the blues don't leave me
no, not now, not yet or through the back door.

I don't like myself so serious and so
urgent with fear or when I become a
stranger to myself...

I live in life knowing
I can only get away with
so much cat and mouse or
being a hamster in a mill
Thinkin' of ways to trick myself to loving me
or perhaps you loving me instead

I don't like myself so selfish and so cold
So cruel and humorless

I live to tell stories and to
help my self to more
As I feed my thoughts and dreams
with more than petty grief

Grief so deep
Fear so strong
Love so weak
Beauty so tired of being beauty
and sometimes silence - shit even fire tires
at the site of me

I don't like myself so pale and sunless
or blue without passion
or red without heat
Just red with anxiety and fear
and any other creature creeping through my soul

I'd spoil myself rotten if I knew how
I'd speak a verse by the best versed poet
dead or alive
I just don't like myself enough
You must feel the same
as I, when cold is colder than
winter, deep below iced waters

I don't like myself and I'm sure
you'd agree- that person that lives in you
has full control of you
That's of course unless
you take that knife
that lives so close to your feet (on dirty grounds)
and cut and cut
And cut it out!

Monday, January 2, 2012

You Laugh With Me Inside

The mention of hearts broken
Makes broken hearts bleed.

I was a distant vulture in the night
then I became your angel

I cry-while kids jump on my structure
on my frame
they scream and play with loud toys
making me cry tears of frustration

Tears of ghostly menacing creatures
fall on my beaten face.

I cry- they know why
I don't give up, in or out
Its because I have a metal beam holding
us together
Earth Wind and Fire can't take us down
No not even fire.

I cry- they know you cause
some heartache but they know you mend
my heart when broken

My cat sits on the edge of the building
waiting for me
waiting for me to feed and comfort him
and he cries like I cry

Hearts are broken everywhere.
But it does feel stronger here
and so I will cry and while I cry
you laugh with me inside.